Baring it All!

Birth. Joy. Excitement. Discoveries.

Freedom. Free Speech.

Childhood Favorite word = Otorhinolaryngology

Why? It is long, it is complicated, it is scientific, it is hardly heard of: I love its uniqueness & unusualness.

Vocal. Playful. Speaking my mind. No filter.

Slap! Education. Military style. Speech stiffened. Free spirit squashed.

Retreat. Observe. Infer. Strategize. Influence. Manipulate.

Quieting. Slowly backing out.

Silent Rebellion. Say ‘Yes’, Act ‘No’. Keep things close to your vest.

Speak out in small circles. Intimidate unknowingly. Seduce unwillingly.

Move to the Motherland. New language. Laughing stock. Blockage. Barrier. Internalization of feeling.

Selective friendship.

Friendship with those who accept me as I am. Imperfect. But beautiful.

Peace. New move. New environment. Speaking out my truth. Blossoming.

Building confidence. Too much confidence. Too comfortable.

Not challenged. Light dimming.

Shake things up! Leap of faith! The unknown. The grandiose. The popular. The Glamorous.

NYC. Future bright. Future opened. No limits. Infinity.

A needle in a stack of hay. Impersonal. Unreal.

Blackness. Blackness. Blackness.

I defined myself based on my nationality.

I am being defined based on the color of my skin.

I lived in countries full of white people, often the only looking like me, never noticed, never bothered, never pointed out.

But here, with a history of more than 400 years of slavery, my pedigree, my education, my nationality, my personality does not matter. Blackness is my definition. Imposed. Forced upon me. Constantly pointed at me. Like a vomit stain and smell that won’t go away.

Shock. Resistance. Incredulity.

“You have an accent. Where are you from?”

“You don’t have a NY accent!”….What is even a NY accent? One originally spoken by first generation of which country--as the country was built by immigrants?!!!!

Standing smaller. Confidence trembles.

Conformist society. Dress code and color code for work. Proctor behavior.

Thriving on differences = No longer acceptable. Not being understood. Them = Not educated about diversity beyond the obvious. Them = Not willing to embrace differences.

Conform, or walk away. Their way, or the highway!

No compassion. No empathy. Spirit lost. Words fumbling. Behavior altered. Is it me or someone else. Play the part. Fake it ‘till you make it. Frustration. Resentment. How dare not I be able to be me?

Spirit slowing fading in the mirror. People Pleaser. Thinking like them, speaking like them. Where am I?

Toxic culture. No protection. No mentor. Fend for yourself! Backs turned after so many years of working together. People worrying about themselves and running you over. 120hrs – 130hrs a week, no promotion, dinged for tiny things when others are doing so much worse. No back up. Swim for yourself amongst sharks. Voice silenced. Single income. Keep low profile. Feed your family.

Walls shattered. Freedom taken away. Illogical. Unthinkable. Unspeakable. Fight for your life!

Disbelief. Making myself smaller and smaller. Self-confidence exterminated! Invisible. No waves. Flattened like a pancake.

Translucent. Moving, flowing, batting, through the waves of people’s constant perception of me. Too loud. Too quiet. Not as expected.

SILENCE!!! Silenced by them. Silenced by myself. Like lips sewn shut. Shackled by invisible walls. My walls. Multiple personalities changes based on the audience. Losing myself. Losing my own unique personality. Losing my soul.

Barely keeping head above water. Drowning.

STOOOOOP!!! BREEEAAAATHE!!!!

“Who are you to question what the Creator gave you?” I was asked.

It is time, high time to come out of this unhealthy rut. I need to find myself again. Slowly breaking down the confines of my cocoon. Learning to love myself again. To forgive myself. To be kind to myself. To be my best advocate. To silence the negative critics in my head. Spreading my wings, bright and shiny for all to see. Matching my internal aspect to my external one, as I re-discover myself in the mirror.

It is time to breakdown the chain of oppression. My own, and that of others. Dispel any fears from how others will perceive me. Returning to my careless free self. No looking back. Just moving forward. Standing tall and proud with my head held high, wearing my starlight crown.

It is time to LET MY VOICE SOAR!!!

Sharing. Caring. Educating. Opening eyes. Helping even one more soul. Baring my soul.

Breaking down the barriers and opening the horizon wide and far for my ideas, for myself, for my future.

I pledge to be UNSTOPPABLE from here on! I am brilliant, fierce, opinionated, fearless, empowered!

HEAR ME ROAR!